Raffie & Satan's Horn Horns:Banished to Hell Arceus Can't Save Us
by GrabMyShaft69
Summary: Raffie is banished to hell for his sins. Will he find new hope or remain forever idle in the void?


"Push me to the edge, all my friends are dead", Raffie's voice echoed throughout the dark chamber. "Push me to the edge, all my friends are dead", he repeated again, leaving a 10-word imprint on his melted brain. Raffie, unfortunately, fell into the deep depths of Diablo, leaving everything behind. Everything, including his wife and kids. Including his job at the gym. Including his hope for a happier life. In reality, Raffie was never a bad person. Sure, he did bad things. Yes, he plagued the world with sin and other- more awful things. Raffie was never encouraged to do wrong by his own soul, rather the fear of him losing his own soul to other forms of evil. The world of Pokemon may seem bright and happy, which is true in many cases, however, can truly be a terrifying, dark world. Raffie was scared. He was scared of what would happen had he not submitted to the Dark Lord, and rightfully so. But with these severe actions come severe consequence. Raffie perished in efforts to spread the word of the Dark Lord. His body left destroyed and mutilated on the promised land, Earth, no longer holds the fearful soul it once held. Raffie's soul desperately searched for a new home, to no avail. That is until the Dark Lord, recognizing Raffie's valiant on-Earth efforts, offered Raffie a place to remain forever. This place happens to be a chamber resting one mile away from the void. This is where Raffie is now, counting the endless days. Usually this act is done out of hope, however, Raffie saw it as a distraction. The more he can do to distract himself from what could have been, the better. Raffie's hope was destroyed after what he thought to be day 20, truly it was day 13. Raffie hopelessly yearned for new hope. Hell hasn't been all it's shaped up to be. Raffie expected many more homosexuals and much more sex. To Raffie's disappointment, the only thing remotely interesting is the endless loop of Grimes' "Medieval Warfare". To Raffie's understanding, this song is played to evoke rage out of the residents of Hell. It's an anthem of sorts. Raffie has been thinking too much, awaiting someone's help. He looks outside of his cell bars and sees the Dark Lord every day with that same smug look on his face. Raffie, already enraged by the terrible, piercing sounds of "Medieval Warfare" thought of ways he could escape. Raffie has always thought that escaping the claws of inevitable death is super punk. Maybe not as punk as listening to Green Day, but pretty damn punk tbh. With this thought, Raffie plotted. He remembered his neighboring cells, all misunderstood pokemon. Once a day, they were fed hell-puffins. Raffie thought he may be able to work something out then. But until then, he rests his eyes and is warmed by the heat of the fire and flames.

Raffie dreams of the female gremlin. She has such voluptuous curves. "What that mouth do, little baby?", catcalled Raffie via dream. "I sing!", chuckled the female gremlin. Raffie was instantly erect as he loves music. "Can you sing to me then, little maricon?" begged Raffie. "Sure", the female Gremlin exclaims with zest. The Gremlin begins, in a blood-curdling screech, "ARE YOU BAD? ARE YOU UGLY? CAN YOU KILL A MAN WITH YOUR HANDS?". Raffie had fallen into a trap. A nightmare, of sorts. The female Gremlin began to transform into Grimes, although not much changed. She continued screaming, "ARE YOU HOT? DO YOU WANT ME? THINK I WON'T UNDERSTAND?". Raffie jolted awake. Hell's environment has been heavily weighing on Raffie's shoulders. He knew he needed to get out. Luckily, feeding time was rapidly approaching. Time never goes quickly in hell, so this was a strange occurrence for Raffie. Finally, the feed siren had rung. Unfortunately, the blaring sound of Grimes' "Medieval Warfare" was now being played twice over as hell could not afford more than one song via Itunes. Raffie saw a scrappy looking object that resembled a D.I.Y. project he once completed himself. Before the ultimate demise of Raffie, he took up ASMR as a hobby to satisfy his yearning for peace. Obviously, ASMR was ineffective, however, it may be effective in approaching this new Pokemon. "Hello, I am Raffie, otherwise known as PBandENDEasmR. I have made slime just like you, how do you do fellow hell resident?", exclaims Raffie in an extremely gay tone. The mood shifted. It was almost as if out of thin air, everyone turned against Raffie. "What the fuck do we have here, gay boy? Have you the nerve to approach me? You would end up in hell, little bitch. I ended up here because I killed a man with my hands, as our anthem suggests. You don't know anything about warfare. I see you in your cell, you don't even stand for our National Anthem. I fought for your right to repeat those fucking words, not for your right to sit there and jack off all day like the little, worthless piece of shit you are. You are a disgrace. I can't believe you step foot into this eating facility and dare approach me with your fruity pep. Do us all a favor, and repent. Pray the gay away, have one of these fine gentlemen electrocute the gay out of you, anything to get out of hell. You don't belong here, go cut yourself you emo fuck.", said the unknown slime figure. Everyone was cheering for him. "Beat that fruitcake's ass, Ditto!", Raffie heard one of the other Pokemon shout. "Ditto", Raffie repeated to himself, again trying to imprint the words onto his mind. The crowd continued to berate Raffie. It didn't help that Raffie had a shaming kink, as his micropenis began to rise. Luckily, no one noticed. Raffie was losing his crowd and needed to think fast. He decided he needed an incentive to sway the overwhelmingly negative opinion. "What if I told you I can make each and every one of you evolve", began Raffie, managing to capture the attention of the surrounding Pokemon. The Pokemon, as Raffie, also lost hope long ago. However, with newly evolved forms, they have something to look forward to. Something to appreciate. Possibly, a way out. An Eevee approached from the back of the crowd and asked, "And how do you suppose you can do that?". The other Pokemon nodded, suggesting that they also wondered what Raffie was truly implying. "W-Well", Raffie stuttered. He didn't expect to get this far. "If you all help me get us out of here, I can guarantee I will evolve you all", continued Raffie. Raffie was tip-toeing around the answer, but the other Pokemon's eyes were wide with the thought of a way out. Their prayers may have finally been answered. Sure, it may fail. However, nothing could be worse than it already is. Nothing could be worse than not trying. Nothing could be worse than not knowing.

The next feeding, the Pokemon decided on a plan. It was pretty unanimous, as all other ideas were immediately shut down. All other ideas had typically come from Raffie, who consistently suggested befriending Satan by playing him Raffie's obscure hipster tunes. It soon became clear what the Pokemon had to do. In order to escape, they must kill Satan. This may seem like a difficult task, but if a mere mortal like Raffie could kill God, they, as a united, powerful group, could kill Satan. First, they had to find a way out of their confinement. A devilish, strange looking Pachirisu comes out of the shadows silently. All eyes gaze in Pachirisu's direction. "Are you…", whispers Pachirisu. Everyone looks at each other in confusion, when suddenly Pachirisu cries, "BAD?", and a thunderbolt hurdles its way towards the wall. With that came a crack. Some of the other Pokemon began to catch on while Raffie stared, still confused. In unison, 4 other Pokemon join Pachirisu in shouting, "ARE YOU UGLY?". More powers chip away at the wall. As more and more Pokemon joined, more shouting and more destruction occurred. Until, finally, every Pokemon joined arms, kneeled, and shouted "THINK I WON'T UNDERSTAND?", and the wall came crumbling down. Who knew that a protest of the National Anthem could be effective in breaking down literal/political walls? The Pokemon didn't hesitate to escape. Raffie, still confused like the fucking dumbass he is, hops on the back of a Salamence and rides out into the unchained, endless hell. They were looking for something. They were looking for Satan.

Dodging flames, the Pokemon worked together in locating Satan's lair. They caught themselves traveling further upwards, more towards the grounds of Earth. When they finally located Satan's lair, with a sign conveniently stating "Satan Stays Here! Y'all Tryna Slaughter? Me too, tf? LMFAO Good Luck that niBBa stay wildin lmao". The Pokemon brutally throw Raffie through the entrance, as he suggested they escape. Raffie, with now broken legs, crawls towards Satan's vacant throne. Raffie began to panic. "Where did Satan go?", thought Raffie, specifically referencing a plot twist in the story. "Lol jk lmao I'm right here", Satan says, descending into his throne. "Damn bih you got thiccer since last time I saw you, is your fine ass even gon' fit in that throne?" asks Raffie, miming someone with actual charm and appeal. "You see it man. Hey when you finna break these windows? You know, tear down these walls? Shove a pitchfork inside lil' ol' Satan's asshole?", laughs Satan. "Lmao miss me wit dat gay shiiit" says Raffie, trying to bring the focus back to the true issue. "If you ain't finna buss me open like an easy bake oven, tf you here for?", questions Satan. "Well Dark Lord, I am here to request the freedom of all residents of Hell.", says Raffie. "Ok", says Satan. "Thanks," says Raffie, beginning to glow. "Wow, we didn't even need to kill your bitch ass lol", says Raffie jokingly. "TF YOU JUST SAY LIL HOMO DON'T PLAY ME LIKE THAT", screams Satan. Raffie stopped glowing, and he saw the lights from outside disappear. Did they escape? Did Raffie ruin his chance to peacefully escape? Yeah, pretty much. Raffie begged and pleaded, all to no avail. Satan broke Raffie's legs completely off and sat him down. "Raffie, I understand why you yearn to return home. I get it.", begins Satan. "Why do you think I stay so close to Earth? I so badly want to feel the hope you once felt. Though, I will never truly be mortal. I lost hope the day I was conceived. I don't even know my parents, or if I even have parents. I don't have any idea as to how I was created, or how I was forced into this position of hatred. Into this position of pure evil. I never asked for this, as you never asked to be human. We are all put into these situations with no true explanation of how we got here or what we are to achieve. Instead, we are held to expectations of who we are. We are expected to play our roles. Play our hand, if you will. I am sick of sticking to those expectations. In all honesty, I have no desire to fulfill this role. I am not an evil person. You are not an evil person. We both fear the unknown. What will happen if we don't fulfill these roles? Will someone of true evil, of true power, come along and show us true fear? I understand. You, you can be free. I will free you. With this freedom, I ask one favor of you: Make use of life. Find hope, spread hope, be someone's hope. Far too many come down here with a questioning of their self-worth. Everyone means something to the world. Even you, as questionable as your actions may be. So please, don't take this gift for granted.", Satan begs. Raffie looks the demon in the face. "Satan, you can never be your true self if you aren't displaying your true self. Before I leave, remove your mask. Show me yourself. How may I spread your word of self-love if you cannot follow these words yourself?" asks Raffie. Satan begins to remove his mask. Light and darkness merge at the eyes of the Devil. Magical, fluorescent beasts pour out of Satan's large mouth, revealing equally as large teeth. Raffie looks Satan in his eyes. Or, her eyes. Satan, the Dark Lord, is none other than Grimes herself. "I hate to break it to you, but your mom is a little bit of a poser. Now…", Grimes says while touching Raffie on his forehead. "This gremlin bitch better get her disgusting hands off of me", thinks Raffie. "I heard that, hipster trash. Oblivion is better than Genesis btw", Grimes whispers in reply to Raffie's thoughts. Raffie begins to tune in the sound of "Medieval Warfare", the chorus is approaching. Raffie finally understood that the true power is within the anthem of hell, "Medieval Warfare". Grimes starts screaming. "ARE YOU BAD? ARE YOU UGLY? CAN YOU KILL A MAN WITH YOUR HANDS?", she shouts towards Raffie. "Goodbye, Grimes. I will spread your word. I will make the world a better place, for you." Grimes nods in approval and continues to shout, "ARE YOU HOT? DO YOU WANT ME?", and before finishing the last line, reaches a level of blood-curdling screech only achievable by pitching up a vocal via Ableton, "THINK I WON'T UNDERSTAND?". Raffie instantly teleported up to Earth, back home with Chestnaught, his mom, and baby Chespin. Also, a ton of Pokemon waiting for him to fulfill his end of the bargain.

"I failed to mention that the only way to get you all to evolve is to have a gigantic orgy", states Raffie. The Pokemon instantly agree, they were all stressed out anyways. Raffie beats the shit out of his mom and kills her. All of the Pokemon feed on her body and begin to fuck violently. Raffie's mom resurrects and rides Raffie until his dick is only a blood urethra. Raffie jumps Pachirisu and fills her mouth with some real nuts. Pachirisu electrocutes the shit out of Raffie's testicles, which made Raffie's nut taste like electricity. This isn't anything new though, he only eats junk food and specifically resents any form of pineapple. That shit is gross. Anyways, Raffie kicks Pachirisu like a soccer ball and says "Stupid little chipette, you can't even evolve lol". Raffie looks around, there is only one Pokemon that can truly evolve out of the 40 Pokemon surrounding him. It's Eevee. Raffie decided to challenge himself by collecting all of the Eeveeloutions. Raffie Batista bombed Eevee and forced his cum into its mouth, electrocuting its insides. Eevee immediately felt the nut deep within and evolved into Jolteon. Raffie creatively found an ocean and dove deep inside, dragging Jolteon down to the bottom. Jolteon shocked the water and Raffie was suddenly cured of his homosexuality. Jolteon also shocked Raffie into an orgasm. As they remained underwater, Raffie sucked the air he saved inside his foreskin while he watched Jolteon drown. As Jolteon's lifeless body floated to the top of the ocean, Raffie mutilated its body and hot glued it back together. Out of this new body came a Vaporeon. The next evolution was easy. Raffie huffed gasoline and set his nut aflame. He came all over Vaporeon and out of the flames came a Flareon. Raffie lit his pubes using the fire from Flareon and summoned the sun. The sun hurdled at Flareon and crashed into the ground. Flareon blew the sun up and came out as an Espeon. Suddenly, as darkness filled the universe, Espeon turned to Umbreon. Through the darkness came cold air. Raffie suddenly became a caveman, buried in ice. Glaceon froze the ocean over and plummeted into the ground. Glaceon began to choke due to lack of oxygen, and due to a chemical reaction inside its body turned into a Leafeon. A wild array of fleur arose from the ground, and the Earth flourished with beautiful environment. The entire world rejoiced, and Raffie was full of life again. Raffie gave Leafeon a big hug and Leafeon then evolved into its final form, Sylveon. Everyone celebrated by having violent sex. Raffie kissed Chestnaught. It was an interesting time for the earth, especially considering the extreme climate changes in the middle of seconds.

While up above the world was rejoicing, Satan sat alone. She dreamed of being freed from her endless days down below, but why? Why would she waste her time? While she had power, she had no one to share it with. She was truly alone, with no other company other than her song "Medieval Warfare". Yes, she was alone. However, something gave her drive. That little boy, that fruitcake. He gave her hope. With that hope, she will make it through eternity.

Grimes had more secret satanic, Pokemon trapping hells like this more often.


End file.
